


Time is What You Make It (the King Of Pain remix)

by aron_kristina



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Blackcest, Canonical Character Death, Dark, M/M, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-15
Updated: 2012-04-15
Packaged: 2017-11-03 17:46:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/384170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aron_kristina/pseuds/aron_kristina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign<br/>But it's my destiny to be the king of pain"</p>
<p>Sirius can't forget his brother, even if he wants to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Time is What You Make It (the King Of Pain remix)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [xylodemon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xylodemon/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Time is What You Make It](https://archiveofourown.org/works/317754) by [xylodemon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xylodemon/pseuds/xylodemon). 
  * Inspired by [Time is What You Make It](https://archiveofourown.org/works/317754) by [xylodemon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xylodemon/pseuds/xylodemon). 



> Read the content tags!

Sirius deliberately doesn’t think about the boy who looks like James, not that it’s actually very hard, once he’s decided. Strangely enough, it’s not James that reminds him, but Regulus. James is larger than life, and to think of anyone else when looking at him would be unthinkable, but with Regulus there are so many things Sirius would rather not think about (like the fact that he’s a Death Eater, and that his friends don’t know that Sirius has a standing date with Regulus in the room of requirements), so the boy, Harry, pops up sometimes when he’s not being careful.

When he's with Regulus, of course, there's no time for anything but fighting and fucking, and Sirius can no longer tell them apart. The Blacks, like all pure-bloods, are no strangers to keeping it in the family, his own parents are second cousins, but he thinks he and Regulus take it to another level. Then again, he's not at all sure some days if he and Regulus are really acting of their own free will or if they're re-enacting some old tragedy, because he just knows exactly what's going to happen every time they meet. It's like they're locked in an eternal struggle, and in his darkest moods Sirius thinks he's being punished by some god or other for desiring his own brother.

It's something he thinks about a lot, that last year at Hogwarts, because he doesn't know how to leave this place and still carry that feeling around with him, and yet he doesn't know how to make the feeling stop. Doesn't know how to live without Regulus, whom he loves and hates in equal measures, until he doesn't know whether he wants to kiss him or hit him, and frequently he does both.

***

He spends almost a year living without Regulus, not speaking a word to one another, no letters, nothing, and it's almost like Regulus is dead. And then Regulus really is dead.

***

Sirius doesn't go to the funeral. Can't. He stays at home and drinks until he can't remember anything, and then he drinks some more.

Two days after, when he can finally face it, he goes to the site of the gravestone. He knows that the body was never found, but he's too cynical to have any hope, because he knows how Voldemort works. He doesn't leave any survivors.

He's all alone in the graveyard, and he's grateful for that, because he's not sure he could control himself even if he wasn't. He's never been one for self-control, and now the last little shred he had is torn away. He screams, and cries, and when he can't draw breath anymore he lies down on the freshly dug grave and wishes it was him lying there instead.

***

There's no time to go crazy, no time to grieve for a brother the world doesn't even know he cares about. Lily gets pregnant, and then she gives birth before Sirius even has time to get his head around the idea that James is going to be a dad.

They share a cigar outside St Mungo's, because it's traditional, or so Remus tells them, and Sirius thinks things are actually looking up, for once. The war seems to be going their way, he has his friends around him and everyone is happy.

"What are you going to call him?" Sirius asks a beaming James.

"Harry," James asks, and when the others wonder why he's choking Sirius claims that he breathed in too much smoke.

***

Sirius sometimes reads the Prophet inside Azkaban, often enough that he knows about Harry Potter's lightning bolt shaped scar. It used to make him feel slightly sick at first, but then after a while he didn't feel anything much, which was a blessing. After even longer he didn't even remember why this was important, except it's James' son, and therefore it's the most important thing in the world. The only thing left to fight for, to live for.

***

When Sirius finally remembers, more than two years after he escaped, he wishes he didn't. It's the house, it brings Regulus back, and with him so many feelings, so much pain, so much love, and Sirius goes looking, wants to remember everything about his brother, and one day it's there, the memory of a boy who looked almost like James, a boy with a scar like a lightning bolt.

He's glad everyone's still thinking about him as an alcoholic, because that makes his decision to lock himself up with Buckbeak and drink a bottle of Firewhiskey seem like his normal behaviour. He wants to forget again, but he can't, and he wonders when it happens in Harry's time-line. He wonders if Harry would say anything if it had already happened or if he also thinks of it as too strange, too painful. He wonders why Harry was there in the first place, if he wanted a glimpse of his parents, and if he went back to see them later. He doesn't remember seeing Harry again, but that doesn't mean anything. He wants to ask Harry about it, but even dead drunk he knows it's not a good idea. He'll work on forgetting again, and if he's lucky it will work.

***

If Sirius had thought about it, really thought about it, he would have assumed that the other side is cold, because coldness is what people associate with death, after all, but it turns out it's not. It's summer wherever it is that Sirius ends up, not too hot, just the perfect temperature, the way Sirius almost remembers the summers of his childhood, before his mother went mad, and he looks around for Regulus before he can help himself.

When he finds Regulus, later, he's reminded of the fact that Regulus died when he was eighteen. Regulus looks so young, so beautiful, and Sirius wonders what Regulus sees when he looks back. Sirius doesn't feel old anymore, but he knows he was, much older than his years.

"You've got tattoos," is all Regulus says on the matter, and perhaps it's all that need be said.

***

When Sirius finally gets around to telling Regulus about the mysterious boy who found them in the Room of Requirement, and that he's Sirius godson, Regulus laughs until he cries.

**Author's Note:**

> The lyrics are from 'King of Pain' by The Police. I think you should listen to [this version from Sting's Symphonicity tour.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBhcvkW3LXg)


End file.
